The Adventures of the LuckyWasher

I promise you will be less bored than you are right now!

Friday, July 29

Top 11: Volume IV

Top 11 Pop Culture Myths.

11. Metrosexual is different from Homosexual.

10. People who write a Blog that no one reads are Slightly Retarded. This is only true is most cases but it is unfair to generalize.

9. The music you listen to is good. Trust me it sucks, unless it does not fall into any of the following categories: Pop, Hip Hop, R&B (Black people singing the same pop as white people under a different name), Country, Rap, Punk, Indie, Metal, Rock (without the roll it's not the same), EMO (the worst of all), Weird Al, Mark E. Mark and the Funky Bunch, Anything French (damn French), Ska (don't even know what it is, but I'm guessing it sucks), Techno, House (techno for people that think they are cooler than regular techno listeners), Anything made in the 80's, Any song that uses the word 'Baby' 'Honey' or the like more than twice, Death Metal, Electronic, Covers of any song by anyone else(if you listen to Punk or Techno versions of songs, then automatically everything else you like sucks too), and last but not least any band I have never heard of, stop trying to be a music geek.

8. That people actually enjoyed the 80's TV show on their shirt, and aren't just wearing it because it is in style right now.

7. Straight Men Compete on Reality TV.

6. Celebrity Dating is more Important than the Rest of the Worlds Problems.

5. Old NES Games are the Best. When you actually sit down and play them, granted some of them are quite good and entertaining, they for the most part are horrible, and the only reason you have fun playing them is because you are stoned all the time.

4. People give a fuck about Michael Jackson.

3. The Internet is not being Used by an Evil Genius to Take Over the World.

2. Smoking is bad for your Health.

1. Angelina Jolie is Attractive. I guess she might be if the look you like your women to have is that just fell down 20 flights of stairs.

Thursday, July 28

Top 11: Volume III

Top 11 Let downs compared to Movies.

11. Every trip into the bathtub or shower, that ends without:
-A murder attempt
-Sexy results
-Or very sexy results

10. Being the Loveable Loser. No cool guy ever helped me get a girl with a crazy scheme and I never actually get the girl in the end.

9. Cutting the Red Wire. Now my TV won't even turn on.

8. Fighting a Group of Ninjas. I still have nun-chuck bruises and a ninja star in my spleen.

7. Explosions. The ones I make are never as big as I would hope, and I miss having eyebrows.

6. Massive Head Trauma. Not only am I not able to come up with a witty one-liner about what just happened, but also the medical bills add up.

5. War

4. Stealing Ideas from Old TV Shows & Movies. People just call me a tool and none of them give me millions of dollars.

3. Jewel Theft. I guess being in jail could go along with this one, although that is only a let down if you are into that sort of thing.

2. Monologue. Eventually you realize you are just talking to yourself.

1. Getting a DUI. I was not asked to coach a group of rag-tag misfits from the wrong side of town with no skill or experience only a lot of heart, and a desire to show the rich snobby kids with the good equipment what they're made of, and in the end teach them the value o sportsmanship. Instead I now ride the bus everywhere.

Saturday, July 23

Battling Evil all day

Today I have stood alone against a relentless wave of evil, seeking to do incredible injustice. That is right, I have been battling 'Hippies' trying to get to the Folk Festival. Trying to get to the Folk Festival in the most evil way imaginable, no its not by running over kittens and orphans, or by using their grandmothers as sleighs, it is by cutting across private property, but wait, it is much more evil. They are trying to cut across the private property of the rich. I may have lost many of the battles as the hippies walked by in their smoke fueled stupor oblivious to my presence. However having had several of their cars towed wins me the war. I only wish I was working later so that I could see the look on their faces when they come back from listening to their devil music all stoned and confused with no car where they left it. Then they will curse my name forever more, and cringe at the mention of ..... "THE CONCIERGE."

Friday, July 22

Additional note about the Retox diet.

Read original June 26th post first.

Sex is considered exercise so it is frowned upon, but do not fret there are still lots of ways to still have sex without exercising.

1. Make sure you are always on the bottom.
2. Ignore your partners needs.
3. Only receive oral, never give.

Wednesday, July 20

The LuckyWasher Retox Diet

This is a 4 week program and should only be under taken by those who are dedicated to harming their bodies to have fun and be lazy. First you will need to stalk up on some special foods and beverages as well as supliments. (Note: I did eat and drink like this for 3 weeks, then due to strange chest pains my girlfriend made me stop, but the chest pains were just my body becoming healthy, no pain no gain, she just couldn't see it that way.)

At your grocery store (or if you don't own one, then at someone else's grocery store) you will need to pick up:
- Pizza Pops
- Doritos
- Eggos
- Hot Dogs
- Donuts
- Soda Pop

Next at your Liquor store pick up:
- Beer
- Lots of Beer
- Rye
- Rum
- Tequila
- Lots of Schnapps

The Schnapps is especially important if you are going to drink any mixed drinks as you can then use less juice, and you get more booze. Wine was left off the list because it is good for your heart in moderation so only drink wine if you plan on drinking more than a bottle or two.

Now the drug supliments you will need will most likely be limited to THC, most easily picked up at your dealer. Easiest to take via smoking but any way you prefer works aswell.

Starting your Retox.
You should consume the following daily:
- 500 grams or greater of a Pizza or Pizza product.
- 6-12 donuts.
- 2-4 Fast food burgers with fries.
- 5-20 Beers.
- A bag of chips.
- 2+ Cokes or Coffees.
- 1+ Joint.
Eatting foods not listed here that are not sold in a Bar, Gas Station or a Fast Food Place is not allowed. Salads are never allowed. If it is Green and not ontop of your burger you probably can't eat it.

Ways that make it easier. One good idea is to invite friends over as it is always easier to eat poorly with them around. Another is to rent movies and see how long you can sit in one place.

I know what you are thinking. Why would anyone actually do this? Well I did it by accident, its just the way I am, but I believe that everyone else will get as much from it as I did. First off I gained no weight so it must be healthy. Second after being on this diet when you eat fruit, a salad, chicken or some bran you feel instantaniously healthy. You could eat right for a long time without ever feeling instantly healthy.

Tuesday, July 19

10 untrue myths


1. Food Poisoning. Just admit you're hung over, no one thinks it was undercooked chicken.

2. PMS. Everyone already knows that you are just a bitch plain and simple.

3. Non-Slutty College girls. You just act non-slutty around me because you don't want to have sex with me.

4. Every Cloud has a silver lining. Some do but most don't unless "now you have a good reason to drink." counts as a silver lining.

5. People that participate in internet chat rooms/forums having had sex at some point in their lives. Who would sleep with you?

6. A Newt would win a Newt v. Gecko fight. There is no way in hell a Gecko would lose to anything.

7. Crime never pays. I ride public transit without paying all the time and have saved hundreds of dollars, enough to pay for a few tickets should I ever get one.

8. Jesus Loves You. If he loves you so much when was the last time he remembered your birthday?

9. Robo-Jesus Hates Everything. Although it is what he was programmed to do, he has developed beyond it and now hates everything besides daffodils and howler monkeys.

10. This Blog sucks. Just because everyone believes it does, does not make it true.

Monday, July 18

Coolest site ever.

As usual I was rather bored at work so I went onto Google and searched (thats right searched not googled) for "the coolest site ever." Most of the returns were stupid forums where people put links to sites everyone knows about or to their friends crappy page or some religous thing/conservative slanted news page. But the second return was "Black People Love Us." I must say this site is hilarious, anyone who finds it offensive is pretty stupid and misses the point. Make sure to look at all the testimonials.

Saturday, July 16

1000 sex tricks that girls can use to please their man!

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Friday, July 15

Adventures in Online Poker

"Adventures in Online Poker," brought to you by Wheat Thins!
Everyone and their semi-retarded neighbor seem to be playing online poker these days, its time the LuckyWasher found out what this was all about.
3:10pm - Visited PartyPoker.com
3:11pm - Downloaded free software
3:12pm - Register for account with user name of "SupaPokaGod"
3:13pm - Take the 2,000 play chips I was given and go to a no limits table.
3:14pm - Decide I am going to wait for a hand.
3:16pm - Still waiting for a hand.
3:18pm - A pair of pocket Kings, I go all-in.
3:19pm - Whoo-ho I just won $9,500 I could go to fake Hawaii and stay in style.
3:20pm - Was just dealt a Jack and a 7, Feeling lucky, so I go all in again.
3:21pm - Wow this is easy I have over $37,000 now and that is in American Fake Dollars! I could now buy a fake Audi.
3:22pm - I just lost a $21,000 pot to Jokka223, now I can only get a Volvo.
3:23pm - Comment on poker chat room that Jokka223 is a cheating whore.
3:24pm - Jokka223 claims not to be a cheater. The term whore however is not refuted.
3:25pm - Clean out of fake money, Luckily I apparently have reserves and I buy back in.
3:31pm - Decide to get into a tournament instead when I am struck by a hunger for snack food, and one snack stands above the rest...
3:34pm - I open the easy to open (and a breeze to close) Wheat Thins box and taste my favorite cracker, wow thats good, i can't even tell that they now have 33% less fat!
3:37pm - I am doing well at poker whilst eatting Wheat Thins, as wheat thins are bite size and don't get my fingers greasy like other snacks.
3:45pm - With my success continuing I am now in a mood for something different, I decide to add cheese and salsa to my Wheat Thins. WOW is that ever good, these crackers are so versatile!
3:53pm - I won my tournament! Maybe I am a poker god, or maybe, just maybe it was the wheat thins.
3:55pm - With my hunger satisfied I enter another tournament.
4:20pm - Well I lost, oh well. Maybe next time.
4:23pm - Counting my chips I have just enough to buy a fake '73 Pinto.
4:24pm - Conclusion: Online Poker is a great substitute for being productive, but serves very little use beyond that.

Tuesday, July 12

Last Words

Here I will speak for those who have fallen as a result of car crashes. These were their last words.

"Go-go Gadget Wheels!"
"Now where did I put my lipstick...."
"Sorry can't talk now, I'm driving on the highw.."
"Every time you touch the break you have to chug your beer."
"Take me home Kit. Kit?? Kit what are you doing??? No Kit thats a Cliff!! NO KIT!NOOOO!!"
"Zzzzzzz..."
"(Babbling in a foreign language)"

If you can think of any please feel free to add them in comments.

Saturday, July 9

Great moments in History, I

This day in 1289 B.C. Moses formed the first union (Local 001, Pyramid Builders) Later that same year they were the first to go on strike, when they walked off the job. This occured after a brief battle about whether or not the Pharoh would serve kosher food in the break room. Moses and his Union employed many tactics during their strike i.e. frogs, blood, and the death of first borns, these tactics would later become standards for unions throughout the world.

These things also occured today a while ago, although are not necessarily great:
1940 Nazis invade Norway, Norwegians decide they are only big of fans of raping and pillaging, and not being a rapee or pillagee.
1881 Billy the Kid is convicted of murder, still contends that he should not have been tried as an adult.

Tuesday, July 5

High School Year Book, Volume 2

The second in our continuing series.

Saturday, July 2

Adventures in Blogging

For those of you who do not know, starting a Blog isn't as easy as it would seem. Here is a step-by-step (boy that was a great show, [Krok za krokem, if you were watching from the Czech Republic] and apparently went on for 7 seasons, which is 6 longer than I would have guessed.) account of what I had to go through to start this Blog.

11:15 Became so obnoxious and egotistic as to think that other people actually care about what I say and do.
11:16 Filled out application form at Blogger.com
11:20 Found out that I must be a level 6 geek to make a blog.
11:21 Only being a level 5 geek I set off on a quest to level up.
11:34 I am confronted by an evil Nerd, A battle ensues.
11:50 I emerge victorious having used my Ginsu Knife and superior Simpsons trivia abilities to defeat him
11:51 I gained 3000 experience just enough to level up. I use my level up to improve my 'Socially Akward' skill, completely ignoring 'Blog Making' skill.
11:53 A quick search of his corpse yields only 40GP and a short sword.
12:05 I return home to wash the geek guts off my Ginsu Knife (As Seen on TV, just like these other fine products; The Gel Toe Spreader and Girls Gone XXXtra Crazy 4)
12:10 Sat back down at the computer and finished the registration.

High School Year Book, Volume 1

This is the first in our series of pages that given the state of things really should be in high school yearbooks.

Friday, July 1

Let her fall.

This is awesome, just let her keep falling.

Pooh is lonely.

Hundred acre wood lost both tigger and piglet in the last two days. The men behind their voices died of unrelated causes (or so they say) only a day apart. What I find truly sad is that the voice behind Tigger patented one of the first artificial hearts and researchers working from his design developed the first artificial heart to be transplanted into a person. Yet still the headline (a rather small one) said that the voice of Tigger had died. It seems like he put a lot more work into things that mean a lot more, I certainly hope when I die I am not remembered for playing Lancelot in the Greenbrook Elementry Second Grade play.

Stupid survey questions/answers.

Please submit any strange questions you find.

"Do you have any children under 18 living with you at home?"
a) yes
b) no
c) don't know.
-taken from a MSN survey, preformed by OpinionMart, Question #49